It’s wild to me that the last time I even thought about writing about myself was over twelve years ago. I’ve now been in a new relationship for nearly a decade and married for nearly nine years.
Reading back on my last post (not on this blog, this is new), I feel like I could have written the exact same thing today. I’m going to try writing my thoughts down daily and see where that leads me. If nothing else it may make me present in my life, which is the only place you can be to exert change. I understand that writing thoughts down with a pen and paper will probably have more of an impact (body/mind connection etc), but I’d like to be able to some day to read back on these things, and even I can’t read my own handwriting.
I’ve been saying “this is gonna be my year” for 20 plus years now. I’m kinda getting tired of my own voice.
I recently had the most severe depressive episode of my life. I’m hopefully coming out of the other end with some small steps to nudge me on a more soothing path of self care. But as a broad scope of things in my life that are holding me back (maybe) here they are. None of these come from a place of judgment. I’m not going to feel bad about any of these, but they exist, and casting a light on something hopefully leaves it no shadows to hide.
- Phone and Social Media addiction (mainly short reels and videos)
- Very poor sleep schedules (the one I struggle with the most, and the one that will absolutely have the most benefit)
- Overeating to give dopamine / serotonin
- Drinking too much for the same reason
- Lack of exercise
- Being overweight
- Not giving my dog the sort of life she deserves when it comes to getting out of the house
- Disconnection from my emotions (huge one, not sure if this is fixable, it might just be the way I’m built)
- Disconnection from my relationship as a result of the above
- Disconnection from friends as an additional knock on effect
- Lack of libido. I don’t think this is something I can work on, but I think fixing the above will correct it
- Lack of purpose
- Lack of creativity
- I love gaming and can get very sucked in, which has been helping my curb my phone addiction. I need to find a way to enjoy gaming whilst also facilitating the above course corrections.
I think I’d be happier in jail to be honest. I wouldn’t have to think about any of the above, the routine would just happen and I think having a rigid routine is where my success will come. But I would miss my wife. I’m also not a fan of being penetrated (shiv or otherwise).
People always say to try and tackle things one at a time. Slow and steady. Get one thing sorted before you try and tackle something else. To me this has never worked. If I try and sort one thing, the other things will get worse to try and correct the dysregulation I feel. If I get good sleep, I’ll start eating more. If I sort my diet, I’ll focus on the phone too much. I need to tackle several of these issues at the same time to punch through to a different state of being.
Here are the things I’m tackling first. These will be made with statements of who I am as a person, rather than who I want to be. If I make them as something I want to be, my brain will just focus me into being a person that wants to be these things. If I focus on them as something I am, my brain will work its little jelly mush into pattern recognition opportunities to fit this person.
I am a man who goes to bed each night by 10:30pm, leaving a pint of water by my bedside. I wake at 6am in the morning, only touching my phone to turn off my alarm. I love the peace at that time and the ability to hear my own thoughts and emotions. I drink a pint of water with a vitamin c and zinc tablet, and take some multi vitamins and cod liver oil. To help me wake up, I go downstairs and harness the pooch, and take her out for a 20-30 minute walk. This is a time to be present, to focus on deep breathing and deep thinking. When I get home I do 30 minutes of weights each day, followed by a protein shake, which serves as my breakfast. At 7am I shower and shave. Around 7:15am I sit to journal and think about how my day is going to look. 7.30 to 8.30 is time to feed the animals, sort out litter trays, and ensure the house is tidy for the day. I can use this time to scroll on my phone if I choose to. I work diligently each day, I perform my daily housekeeping tasks in the first 2 hours of the day. The rest of the time is devoted to adding value to the company one way or another. At lunch I eat something healthy in line with my current goals, I take the full hour for myself and I engage with non work related endeavours. After work until 6:30pm I make dinner and catch up on any chores that need doing, whilst listening to an album of music. My phone allows access to social apps between 12-1pm and 7pm-10:30pm, if I choose to engage with them. From 10pm I ensure the house is settled for the night I put the animals to bed, load the dishwasher and wipe the work surfaces down, give my wife a cuddle and a kiss and ensure my sleep environment is free of any clutter. I like going to sleep in a tidy room, as it allows my brain to also feel uncluttered before bedtime.
That should in theory tackle sleep, which is obvious, and will reap the most rewards. The daily exercise will also help with sleep and have knock on benefits when it comes to losing weight, and food & alcohol; when I work out I don’t want to jeopardise my progress with those things. Walking the dog helps with purpose, as does working diligently. Phone addiction is handled by an app (how ironic) that limits the time I’m able to spend on things that are time sinks, but once that pattern is there for a few months I won’t need the app anymore. Getting those things sorted will raise my baseline of self-worth and energy. Then we can focus more on the other aspects of relationships, libido, emotions, purpose and creativity.
I am already the man I want to be. I just have to walk that path.
Inaction is a choice 
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