Day 2: Sleep…Why have you forsaken me?

I have always had the enviable ability to fall asleep easily. Even if everything in my life is falling apart, I drop off without a care in the world.

Until last night.

I had my routine nailed and everything, but when I lay down at 10:30pm I just couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable, I was too hot, and my mind kept talking to me. Not about anything in particular, just noise.

I wonder if my historical ability to sleep was a defence mechanism against life. Like a physical off button to reality and accountability. Something to ponder, but this morning my brain is also full of mental chatter. I never had mental chatter before, there was always a clear absence of thought. Like my brain was in standby mode all the time.

My alarm blasted me awake at 6am, but I didn’t feel rested, and adequate sleep is absolutely my kryptonite if I don’t get enough. I checked my sleep score and it was low 60s, which is how I felt. I needed more sleep. So I set my alarm for 7am and was luckily able to drop off again.

I awoke feeling like a failure, but quickly shook off that emotion. I’ve always strived for perfection, but the fear of not being perfect has always, without fail, stopped me from even trying. I’ve existed in a perpetual fugue of convincing myself I’m capable of anything, but never attempting anything, so as to preserve that illusion of self. I’m no longer going to strive for perfect, I’m going to strive for adequate, because I know I can hit adequate without feeling like a failure; and being adequate at something is an infinite improvement on being nothing at something.

Upon waking the second time I chose to adapt my morning schedule. I kept walking the dog, drinking a pint of water, feeding the pets, and journaling. Those are all vital for the morning. I threw out exercise, because I can always do that in my lunch hour, as my time for exercise is only 30 minutes.

I’m going to keep showering and shaving to this morning as well. I like the mental image of cleaning my body, soul & mind ready for a new day. It will just happen after journaling.

I’m not really sure what my mental chatter is about. I know people that have that and it’s an endless stream of self limiting thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure whether I need to relax and let the thoughts come and see where they lead, or if I maintain my composure and keep a blank slate. I know peace is found in the absence of thought, meditation and the like. However, I’ve always been afraid of having emotions, to the point where I’m convinced I don’t have any, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking as the emotions I have I’m not able to cope with. I don’t know, but just that thought has filled me with a bit of dread, so I might be onto something.

Another thing to ponder. Who am I, if I’m not a solid rock for other people to hold onto, when the world is bashing them about. What if I’m actually the one being bashed?

Thing to ponder number 2, isn’t “bash” a weird word. The more I look at it, the more it feels like I just made it up.