Day 8: Regrouping

As you may have seen yesterday it was pretty much a write-off. I was very tired and it makes my brain shut down. However there are things I was proud of.

Firstly I spoke to my wife and explained to her that I had stayed up late and that because of that I felt mean and not a good person to be around. I wanted to get ahead of the impact that my mood would have had. Someone who is very sensitive to danger like my wife, would feel very on edge all day if I hadn’t as she would unconsciously pick up on the change in my demeanour and perceive it as a threat. I wanted to make it very clear that I had fucked up and it was my fault, and that I wasn’t going to take it out on her.

She asked if there was anything she could do to help, and I asked if we could watch a show together later. Which we did, and it did help.

I saved my self the hassle of cooking anything difficult for dinner and we had beans on toast (what a powerhouse of a meal, never disappoints).

I was in bed for 10:15pm and asleep for 10:30pm, so the restart of this process has happened. Now I just need to ensure I walk the dog, doing something productive with my day at home and at work, and have a shower, then I’ll feel like I’m back on track.

Emotionally I feel empty, which is how I usually feel, but yesterday I felt that emptiness as a deep weight I couldn’t hold, and today it feels more like the absence of that weight. Like having a heavy rucksack removed after a long punishing walk through a storm. It’s nice not to feel the weight on my shoulders, but I’m still cold and wet and exhausted. It’s not a happy place I’m in but it is a better place.

I’m keeping it short today. I might come back to this later.