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Day 1: The beginning of the routine
Well I’m here. It’s 7:20 am, a little behind schedule, but that is down to the schedule being a little tight. Whatever flavour of neurodivergence I have was a little miffed that things weren’t hit on the exact time they were set, but the overwhelming response to this should be pride that I was able to do the things at all. I’ll stick with that. Doing the things is more important than doing the things on time.
I was tested though. I wake up and it’s miserable outside. Rain, wind, cold, pitch black. Not the easy transition I would have hoped for getting up and walking the dog, but I sunk my pint of water and vitamins, got dressed and put my anorak on. The dog was thrilled to see her lead and go out. She was equally pleased walking around sniffing things in the pouring rain and wind. I think the lesson here is to find joy in what you’re doing, rather than wishing it was somehow different.
I have spent most of my life postponing wellness in a sense. I’d think that “when I’m better” I’ll be successful at work, I’ll work out every day and be in shape, I’ll eat well and have really cool hobbies. It reminds me of the Cher quote when her mother asked her about settling down and finding a nice rich man, and her response was “I am a rich man”. I think I’ve been doing it all wrong. Perhaps the “well me” isn’t needed to do all these things, perhaps it also works backwards, and that be doing these things is what manifests a “well me”.
Getting out of bed this morning was relatively easy. I was asleep before 11pm, and definitely had some very vivid dreams in the night, meaning I spent quite a bit of time in REM sleep. So I woke up pretty refreshed, with 7 hours under my belt and a sleep score of 87/100 I’ll play around with sleeping for 8 or 9 hours in the future, but I’m not sure I need it.
I did work out. Go me! It was only half an hour, but that’s infinitely more than I have been doing and I want to start off easy, so I don’t skip a day because of DOMs. Just a simple 4 exercises for 3 sets, chest press, lat pull down, shoulder raises, bicep curls. I’m not concerned with the weight at this stage, that’s irrelevant, I want to get two things out of this stage of exercise.
- Consistency of habit
- A stronger back
My back has plagued me for years. I think I have poor core and lumber tone and it’s caused me to rely on resting weight on the curve of my lower spine. In periods where I have been lifting heavy (decades ago) I think the weight of heavy squats has compressed my spinal discs. I’m working on rehabbing my spine to have a stronger core that can handle the weight. To that end each exercise is done incredibly mindfully with a focus on keeping my lower back and ab muscles tensed. Muscles I’ve rarely used, hence why taking it slow is best.
Another thing I’d like to work on in a couple weeks is a set of exercises I found that are a mix of yoga, pilates, and physio. I’ll keep you posted on that.
Right now I need to head off to feed and wake up the house, have a protein shake and scream affirmations into the void.
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Day 0 part deux. Do affirmations and the like have an effect?
I saw a post on Instagram (yes one of the sites I am weaning myself from – but this was something I saved some time ago to come back to) and it spoke of affirmations / abundance spells. Now I don’t need to go into what I believe when it comes to magic, but I think all types of “magic” is essentially wiring you for pattern recognition. You speak an intention, which is a subtle way of programming your subconscious to seek that outcome.
In any event the post spoke as follows.
“before you begin: close your eyes. Breathe into your body until you feel yourself soften. Let the edges of you dissolve. Become space. Become breath. Become presence. Feel the hum of your energy — alive, awake, infinite.
let your throat glow — a portal of power, a bridge to becoming.Then, when you are ready: speak these words. OUT LOUD. Your voice is the portal. Your presence is the key.
✦ THE ULTIMATE ABUNDANCE SPELL ✦
I let go of my belief that success is suffering. I erase every limit I ever absorbed. I dissolve the old codes of survival. I re-code myself for infinite receiving.I know who I am. I know what I hold. I know what I’m here to become.
I move like money is my mirror. I breathe like wealth is my witness. I speak like success is my shadow.
I don’t chase. I don’t cling. I don’t crawl.
I call. I claim. I command.
I am not waiting. I am not wishing. I am already walking in it.
I am the source and the supply. I am the river and the rain. I am the answered prayer.
It is already mine. It is already done. It is already here.
→ repeat 3x. out loud. → then seal it with: by the power of three, a perfect trinity. it is done. it is done. it is done.”
So yeah, it sounds a little bit woowoo. But what’s the harm in spending a few minutes a day going through this ritual, to see what happens?
The author of the instagram post was blairewitchfairy
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Day 0: What a difference a day makes…unless it’s twelve years, then there really is no difference at all.
It’s wild to me that the last time I even thought about writing about myself was over twelve years ago. I’ve now been in a new relationship for nearly a decade and married for nearly nine years.
Reading back on my last post (not on this blog, this is new), I feel like I could have written the exact same thing today. I’m going to try writing my thoughts down daily and see where that leads me. If nothing else it may make me present in my life, which is the only place you can be to exert change. I understand that writing thoughts down with a pen and paper will probably have more of an impact (body/mind connection etc), but I’d like to be able to some day to read back on these things, and even I can’t read my own handwriting.I’ve been saying “this is gonna be my year” for 20 plus years now. I’m kinda getting tired of my own voice.
I recently had the most severe depressive episode of my life. I’m hopefully coming out of the other end with some small steps to nudge me on a more soothing path of self care. But as a broad scope of things in my life that are holding me back (maybe) here they are. None of these come from a place of judgment. I’m not going to feel bad about any of these, but they exist, and casting a light on something hopefully leaves it no shadows to hide.
- Phone and Social Media addiction (mainly short reels and videos)
- Very poor sleep schedules (the one I struggle with the most, and the one that will absolutely have the most benefit)
- Overeating to give dopamine / serotonin
- Drinking too much for the same reason
- Lack of exercise
- Being overweight
- Not giving my dog the sort of life she deserves when it comes to getting out of the house
- Disconnection from my emotions (huge one, not sure if this is fixable, it might just be the way I’m built)
- Disconnection from my relationship as a result of the above
- Disconnection from friends as an additional knock on effect
- Lack of libido. I don’t think this is something I can work on, but I think fixing the above will correct it
- Lack of purpose
- Lack of creativity
- I love gaming and can get very sucked in, which has been helping my curb my phone addiction. I need to find a way to enjoy gaming whilst also facilitating the above course corrections.
I think I’d be happier in jail to be honest. I wouldn’t have to think about any of the above, the routine would just happen and I think having a rigid routine is where my success will come. But I would miss my wife. I’m also not a fan of being penetrated (shiv or otherwise).
People always say to try and tackle things one at a time. Slow and steady. Get one thing sorted before you try and tackle something else. To me this has never worked. If I try and sort one thing, the other things will get worse to try and correct the dysregulation I feel. If I get good sleep, I’ll start eating more. If I sort my diet, I’ll focus on the phone too much. I need to tackle several of these issues at the same time to punch through to a different state of being.
Here are the things I’m tackling first. These will be made with statements of who I am as a person, rather than who I want to be. If I make them as something I want to be, my brain will just focus me into being a person that wants to be these things. If I focus on them as something I am, my brain will work its little jelly mush into pattern recognition opportunities to fit this person.
I am a man who goes to bed each night by 10:30pm, leaving a pint of water by my bedside. I wake at 6am in the morning, only touching my phone to turn off my alarm. I love the peace at that time and the ability to hear my own thoughts and emotions. I drink a pint of water with a vitamin c and zinc tablet, and take some multi vitamins and cod liver oil. To help me wake up, I go downstairs and harness the pooch, and take her out for a 20-30 minute walk. This is a time to be present, to focus on deep breathing and deep thinking. When I get home I do 30 minutes of weights each day, followed by a protein shake, which serves as my breakfast. At 7am I shower and shave. Around 7:15am I sit to journal and think about how my day is going to look. 7.30 to 8.30 is time to feed the animals, sort out litter trays, and ensure the house is tidy for the day. I can use this time to scroll on my phone if I choose to. I work diligently each day, I perform my daily housekeeping tasks in the first 2 hours of the day. The rest of the time is devoted to adding value to the company one way or another. At lunch I eat something healthy in line with my current goals, I take the full hour for myself and I engage with non work related endeavours. After work until 6:30pm I make dinner and catch up on any chores that need doing, whilst listening to an album of music. My phone allows access to social apps between 12-1pm and 7pm-10:30pm, if I choose to engage with them. From 10pm I ensure the house is settled for the night I put the animals to bed, load the dishwasher and wipe the work surfaces down, give my wife a cuddle and a kiss and ensure my sleep environment is free of any clutter. I like going to sleep in a tidy room, as it allows my brain to also feel uncluttered before bedtime.
That should in theory tackle sleep, which is obvious, and will reap the most rewards. The daily exercise will also help with sleep and have knock on benefits when it comes to losing weight, and food & alcohol; when I work out I don’t want to jeopardise my progress with those things. Walking the dog helps with purpose, as does working diligently. Phone addiction is handled by an app (how ironic) that limits the time I’m able to spend on things that are time sinks, but once that pattern is there for a few months I won’t need the app anymore. Getting those things sorted will raise my baseline of self-worth and energy. Then we can focus more on the other aspects of relationships, libido, emotions, purpose and creativity.
I am already the man I want to be. I just have to walk that path.
Choosing life is hard, but so is choosing to die every day
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Inaction is a choice 